Sandman
Well-known member
SANDMAN'S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: COVID-19 v THE RANGERS-2012
EUROPA DISEASE OF THE DECADE FINAL
A Project Mayhem Sports Broadcast.
"You are the all-singing all-dancing crap of the world.
This is your life, Huns, and its ending one minute at
a time. On a long enough timeline, the survival rate
for everyone drops to zero."
Tyler Durden.
McGREGOR - 7/10
Described by Covid manager Sirus The Virus as
'formidably glakit', 'Greegsy's basic biochemical
makeup is so simple it baffled the infection's
attempts to assimilate and replicate. Not so much
rejected as bewildered, it failed to locate any DNA
to mutate either, as all of 'Shagger's is usually
splattered over some fake-and-bake vacuous blonde's
big plastic diddies.
'TAV' - 3/10
So heavily inked that particles of the virus had
to negotiate his tats like a maze, before striking
home somewhere between a scrawl of a Fifties
glamour-puss licking a devil-dug's arse while
waving at Yoda riding a rainbow-patterned unicorn
into battle at the Boyne.
Tav's skin, like his mind and perma-expression,
are basically all... Confused. At the turn of the
year he was 'Britain's best full-back' and now he's
just 'Shite.' Will he realise he's infected, or
think it's just another sweaty dream? Once he's
puzzled his way through another cliche-riddled
after-match interview we'll still have no idea...
GOLDSON - 5/10
Appears to be a temporally-displaced extra from
Britsh 1970s prison dramas. When not watching young
offenders get raped in greenhouses, he's teeing up
Hamilton strikers for one of the season's great
punchlines.
Follows the ball around like Scooby Doo with a head
injury. Any self-respecting contagion would give
this one a miss.
EDMUNSEN - 1/10
Angry-looking Russian drug-dealer's enforcer. Might
have been signed from a He-Man cartoon or recycled
from a plastic GI Joe figure; there's something
creepily comic-strip-generic about his half-finished
scowling neolithic fizzog.
More brawn than brains -not difficult - this
mono-functional villain's gofer was easily outwitted
and manouvred by a nimble, deadly flu bug.
BALSAMIC - 0/10
Slavic vinegar with a cute left foot worked his
ticket away from Mordor by self-isolating since
January. In reality he's been hiding from Jozo Simunovic.
Jozo knows an escaped Ivan Denisovich when he sees him.
Virus or Gulag? Ivan 'Balsamic' chooses infection!
ARSEFEEL - 0/10
Anal entry guaranteed for Covid, this one was over
quickly. Too busy saluting excited Hun Monkeys to
remember to clench his twitching anus, Arsefeel fell
victim to the great irony of our age - shite-talk Broony
and no matter how much toilet roll you've stashed, you'll
still eventually get your erse handed to you.
STEVE DAVIS - 6/10
Bored Covid into inaction with some snooker anecdotes.
Northern Ireland's least-offensive Hun continued to
trundle around the place, soaking up a large wad of
moolah they can barley afford, and thus inadvertently
happened upon the molecular base for the Covid vaccine -
Hun blood money.
HARIBO - 5/10
So it does looks like Lenny Henry managed to impregnate
Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch sometime in the 90s
after all.
Another shambling oddity who's antibodies are vacant
enough to perplex the super-virus into inaction. He
tweeted some gibberish about God saving him then lapsed
into a diabetic coma; Too many of his jelly teddy bears.
KAMARA - 2/10
'I never saw it, Jeff'. And neither he did. Blindsided
by the virus as he dallied on the ball in trademark style.
Thats Kamara Karma for you - leave a big club like Dundee
that has a future to join Third Lanark II, and you'll 'swim
with the pishes', as they say in Dundonia.
KAAANT - 0/10
Easy access for Covid via the hole in his head. Whilst
not fingering himself to death or collaborating with the
Nazis, this Konzentrationslager Kapo sneered around hoping
his frequent anonymity or nits-reducing heid-scalp would spare
him. Not so. This virus has a sense of smell and a dislike for
skelpt-coupons.
EL FLUFFALO - 1/10
Ah, another disease for Alfie to collect. He's got them all,
you know: Syphillis, Gonorreaha, crabs (technically animal
welfare), Ebola, typhoid, hemorrhoids, herpes, chlamydia,
cystitis, trichomoniasis, measles, mumps and AIDS (obviously).
This admirable assembly of rare afflictions is, in the main,
thanks to screwing women that remind him of his mother, and
the bars of Govania contain more mattresses than Silentnight.
So, off the Colombian barrel will venture into the hinterland
of football as The Death Star falls into disrepair and doom;
a club record fee of £24.80 will be paid by the Electric Bakery
in Prestwick who make some of the best half-time pub pies
around, but will not rest on their laurels as they seek to pay
over the odds for a top-class pie-tester to keep them at the
top of their game. Alfie, your future is a golden... crust.
SUB:
HAGI - 0/10
Yer Da hates ye, ya wee fanny. Says ye've disgraced the family
and hopes ye forgot to buy bog roll...
If my Romanian translation is up to speed.
SLIPPY G - 3/10
So near and yet so typically not. Sounds like he's a carrier,
which had the Covid molecules sidestepped, but he couldn't
give them the slip again (see what I did there, pun fans?) as
he head-butted a camera and got a dose. Up the nose.
It's all over fer aaar Lad. Two years, six trophies was the
remit. Five delivered, one in the mix. Agent Gerrard, your
time in the field has been exemplary and rewarding. Now
return to the warm fenian bosom of your Liverpudlian roots
and recite a few Hail Marys a day as punishment for your
flight of fancy among the soulless, hate-consumed vagabonds
of the dark side.
OVERALL - LOL@theHUNS/10
Coronavirus, or Covid-19 - the weaponised SARS - came up
against a bunch of weapons, and the club that prefers its
fantasy football to the reality of 9-in-a-row fell woefully
short of resisting.
Not even the sectarian disease the gurning hordes carry with
them could counter the ravaging effects upon their terminal
institution.
Despite the protestations of protestants, or the beseeching of
'THU LOARD!' to smite this 'FENIAN BUG!' by their new Head of
PR - some Ian Paisley tribute act - they were panned by the pandemic.
What now for the deluded and deranged? No income, no treats,
no rosary beads, and no fucking the Pope on the 12th of July...
Although I would gladly let them all congregate and march
together and let Covid take its course.
Hiram Abiff's Temple of Abomination in darkest Govan is the
perfect Ground Zero for Covid-19. Indeed, internet research
has shown that - like the 'Spanish flu' which actually started
in Kansas - this pandemic probably gestated in the liquid hate
that saturated the environs of that pit. And that's attested to
by experts, like me, on the interweb. So, y'know..
Quarantine is not enough. History also provides us a solution.
Well, history, Hollywood, and sci-fi... From 1986, actually.
James Cameron, Writer/Director wrote an allegory exploring
societal problems in his Scottish roots. In his story a colonial
outpost called LV-426 is overrun by horrendous marauding
Xenomorphs (Xenophobes...) loyal to a Queen.
Yup. Big Jim Knew.
He called it 'Aliens', when in fact the little-known working
title on-set was 'Huns'.
To save the galaxy from infestation (you see where he was going?)
a crack team of Space Marines and a powerful heroine exemplifying
all magnificent leadership qualities (Broon) are the only ones
who can save humanity.
Other prominent characters echo through the decades - the noble
and lethal Lieutenant Hicks (Eddy), the maverick maniacal Private
Hudson (Griff) and the guileful youth of cute survivor
Newt (Karaoke Dembele...)
They are almost foiled by the slimy corporate machinations of
the sleekit Burke (insert any CEO name here that comes to
mind...) who seeks to keep the Aliens alive for fiscal reward.
So, yes, and one prescient quote resonates from that past future
to solve the problems of our present - from the indefatigable
Ellen Ripley, as she proposes the remedy for Scottish football
and society:
"Nuke the entire site from orbit - it's the only way to be sure."
Go Away Now, Covid.
Sandman, keeping it surreal. And hoping you're all still around for
THE TEN. Stay safe.
EUROPA DISEASE OF THE DECADE FINAL
A Project Mayhem Sports Broadcast.
"You are the all-singing all-dancing crap of the world.
This is your life, Huns, and its ending one minute at
a time. On a long enough timeline, the survival rate
for everyone drops to zero."
Tyler Durden.
McGREGOR - 7/10
Described by Covid manager Sirus The Virus as
'formidably glakit', 'Greegsy's basic biochemical
makeup is so simple it baffled the infection's
attempts to assimilate and replicate. Not so much
rejected as bewildered, it failed to locate any DNA
to mutate either, as all of 'Shagger's is usually
splattered over some fake-and-bake vacuous blonde's
big plastic diddies.
'TAV' - 3/10
So heavily inked that particles of the virus had
to negotiate his tats like a maze, before striking
home somewhere between a scrawl of a Fifties
glamour-puss licking a devil-dug's arse while
waving at Yoda riding a rainbow-patterned unicorn
into battle at the Boyne.
Tav's skin, like his mind and perma-expression,
are basically all... Confused. At the turn of the
year he was 'Britain's best full-back' and now he's
just 'Shite.' Will he realise he's infected, or
think it's just another sweaty dream? Once he's
puzzled his way through another cliche-riddled
after-match interview we'll still have no idea...
GOLDSON - 5/10
Appears to be a temporally-displaced extra from
Britsh 1970s prison dramas. When not watching young
offenders get raped in greenhouses, he's teeing up
Hamilton strikers for one of the season's great
punchlines.
Follows the ball around like Scooby Doo with a head
injury. Any self-respecting contagion would give
this one a miss.
EDMUNSEN - 1/10
Angry-looking Russian drug-dealer's enforcer. Might
have been signed from a He-Man cartoon or recycled
from a plastic GI Joe figure; there's something
creepily comic-strip-generic about his half-finished
scowling neolithic fizzog.
More brawn than brains -not difficult - this
mono-functional villain's gofer was easily outwitted
and manouvred by a nimble, deadly flu bug.
BALSAMIC - 0/10
Slavic vinegar with a cute left foot worked his
ticket away from Mordor by self-isolating since
January. In reality he's been hiding from Jozo Simunovic.
Jozo knows an escaped Ivan Denisovich when he sees him.
Virus or Gulag? Ivan 'Balsamic' chooses infection!
ARSEFEEL - 0/10
Anal entry guaranteed for Covid, this one was over
quickly. Too busy saluting excited Hun Monkeys to
remember to clench his twitching anus, Arsefeel fell
victim to the great irony of our age - shite-talk Broony
and no matter how much toilet roll you've stashed, you'll
still eventually get your erse handed to you.
STEVE DAVIS - 6/10
Bored Covid into inaction with some snooker anecdotes.
Northern Ireland's least-offensive Hun continued to
trundle around the place, soaking up a large wad of
moolah they can barley afford, and thus inadvertently
happened upon the molecular base for the Covid vaccine -
Hun blood money.
HARIBO - 5/10
So it does looks like Lenny Henry managed to impregnate
Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch sometime in the 90s
after all.
Another shambling oddity who's antibodies are vacant
enough to perplex the super-virus into inaction. He
tweeted some gibberish about God saving him then lapsed
into a diabetic coma; Too many of his jelly teddy bears.
KAMARA - 2/10
'I never saw it, Jeff'. And neither he did. Blindsided
by the virus as he dallied on the ball in trademark style.
Thats Kamara Karma for you - leave a big club like Dundee
that has a future to join Third Lanark II, and you'll 'swim
with the pishes', as they say in Dundonia.
KAAANT - 0/10
Easy access for Covid via the hole in his head. Whilst
not fingering himself to death or collaborating with the
Nazis, this Konzentrationslager Kapo sneered around hoping
his frequent anonymity or nits-reducing heid-scalp would spare
him. Not so. This virus has a sense of smell and a dislike for
skelpt-coupons.
EL FLUFFALO - 1/10
Ah, another disease for Alfie to collect. He's got them all,
you know: Syphillis, Gonorreaha, crabs (technically animal
welfare), Ebola, typhoid, hemorrhoids, herpes, chlamydia,
cystitis, trichomoniasis, measles, mumps and AIDS (obviously).
This admirable assembly of rare afflictions is, in the main,
thanks to screwing women that remind him of his mother, and
the bars of Govania contain more mattresses than Silentnight.
So, off the Colombian barrel will venture into the hinterland
of football as The Death Star falls into disrepair and doom;
a club record fee of £24.80 will be paid by the Electric Bakery
in Prestwick who make some of the best half-time pub pies
around, but will not rest on their laurels as they seek to pay
over the odds for a top-class pie-tester to keep them at the
top of their game. Alfie, your future is a golden... crust.
SUB:
HAGI - 0/10
Yer Da hates ye, ya wee fanny. Says ye've disgraced the family
and hopes ye forgot to buy bog roll...
If my Romanian translation is up to speed.
SLIPPY G - 3/10
So near and yet so typically not. Sounds like he's a carrier,
which had the Covid molecules sidestepped, but he couldn't
give them the slip again (see what I did there, pun fans?) as
he head-butted a camera and got a dose. Up the nose.
It's all over fer aaar Lad. Two years, six trophies was the
remit. Five delivered, one in the mix. Agent Gerrard, your
time in the field has been exemplary and rewarding. Now
return to the warm fenian bosom of your Liverpudlian roots
and recite a few Hail Marys a day as punishment for your
flight of fancy among the soulless, hate-consumed vagabonds
of the dark side.
OVERALL - LOL@theHUNS/10
Coronavirus, or Covid-19 - the weaponised SARS - came up
against a bunch of weapons, and the club that prefers its
fantasy football to the reality of 9-in-a-row fell woefully
short of resisting.
Not even the sectarian disease the gurning hordes carry with
them could counter the ravaging effects upon their terminal
institution.
Despite the protestations of protestants, or the beseeching of
'THU LOARD!' to smite this 'FENIAN BUG!' by their new Head of
PR - some Ian Paisley tribute act - they were panned by the pandemic.
What now for the deluded and deranged? No income, no treats,
no rosary beads, and no fucking the Pope on the 12th of July...
Although I would gladly let them all congregate and march
together and let Covid take its course.
Hiram Abiff's Temple of Abomination in darkest Govan is the
perfect Ground Zero for Covid-19. Indeed, internet research
has shown that - like the 'Spanish flu' which actually started
in Kansas - this pandemic probably gestated in the liquid hate
that saturated the environs of that pit. And that's attested to
by experts, like me, on the interweb. So, y'know..
Quarantine is not enough. History also provides us a solution.
Well, history, Hollywood, and sci-fi... From 1986, actually.
James Cameron, Writer/Director wrote an allegory exploring
societal problems in his Scottish roots. In his story a colonial
outpost called LV-426 is overrun by horrendous marauding
Xenomorphs (Xenophobes...) loyal to a Queen.
Yup. Big Jim Knew.
He called it 'Aliens', when in fact the little-known working
title on-set was 'Huns'.
To save the galaxy from infestation (you see where he was going?)
a crack team of Space Marines and a powerful heroine exemplifying
all magnificent leadership qualities (Broon) are the only ones
who can save humanity.
Other prominent characters echo through the decades - the noble
and lethal Lieutenant Hicks (Eddy), the maverick maniacal Private
Hudson (Griff) and the guileful youth of cute survivor
Newt (Karaoke Dembele...)
They are almost foiled by the slimy corporate machinations of
the sleekit Burke (insert any CEO name here that comes to
mind...) who seeks to keep the Aliens alive for fiscal reward.
So, yes, and one prescient quote resonates from that past future
to solve the problems of our present - from the indefatigable
Ellen Ripley, as she proposes the remedy for Scottish football
and society:
"Nuke the entire site from orbit - it's the only way to be sure."
Go Away Now, Covid.
Sandman, keeping it surreal. And hoping you're all still around for
THE TEN. Stay safe.
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