Quick enough to lift me at Glasgow Airport on the way back from a match years ago Frank, when I referred to them as orange bastards for acting the bollox.
Can't think of another country you get arrested in for telling the truth Frank
Funny story about the 'Gendarmes' and my interaction with them, as a 17 year old
My old man told me..."Two things that must never happen...a girl showing up on our doorstep with a baby in her arms,saying it's yours...and two...the polis coming to our door because of you"
"Fair enough Dad"
The first rule was never tested, but the second...and it was only the once
Back in the days of when there was no Sunday opening for pubs, I spent the weekend Friday to Sunday night at my mates, we went up to the city and had a great time, then as I was walking home on the Sunday night, with my wee sports bag with a change of clothes in it, I met a boy I was in school with
As we were standing talking around midnight, a Panda car comes along the street and stops
Window comes down and I have my back to the road
First dicey bunnet: "Hey...Move along..."
Me: "Aye very good...we're just talking..."
Door opens and said monster dicey bunnet gets in my face...
"Whit's in the bag ?
Me: "Claes"
DB: "Where did you get them ?"
Me: "Ma hoose"
DB: "Where are you taking them ?"
Me:
"Ma hoose"
He makes a moves to grab the bag and I pirouette away from him and he misses
He is NOT best pleased
The other dicey bunnet gets out and says "Get in the car"
I said "No it's ok, I'll walk..."
This does not go down well with either of the stormtroopers, so they manage to get me and twist my arms up my back
It was a tight squeeze getting me into the back seat as they had to flip the front seat forward
Once ensconced in the rear of the vehicle, the first plod has a look around...nobody in sight now as my friend has taken to his heels
Polis number one, then punches me right in the face and my eye starts to swell shut
I said "Thank You"
This brought a flurry of blows in my direction as I got down on the floor and that was not easy as it was a Panda car
He was not happy, as he could only hammer away at my legs and feet
They said "We're not taking you to the jail, we're taking you home
There was a tag on my bag with my name and address...DRAT !!! Foiled again
One of them had me round the corner, as the sergeant knocked on our door at 1 am on a Monday morning
You can imagine my Mothers face when this big mutant dicey, with the Darth Vader cape on, asked if I lived there, she almost fainted...she thought something had happened, it was Greenock in the halcyon days of knife crime and razor gans and of course, Frankie Vaughan who came up to solved the violence in and around Easterhouse etc
The one who was holding my hair, and gently banging my head off the wall out of sight, then went one step too far, and got a knee to his 'janglies' he grunted and almost went down, but regained his balance and continued to pummel away at me.as I blocked his punches...he was pissed off
He then punched me again, and that's when my Mother came running round shouting "Hey, what's going on"
My suit was dishevelled, my long hair all over my face, and my face was swollen, so she was not happy seeing me like that, and jumped in and told them to leave me alone
They left me to face my fate with the old man
He did not disappoint...he only ever hit me once in all my life...and that was the night/morning
He said to my Mother "Away into the living room, I'll handle this..."
I got one word out before the lights went out
My old man was a boxer, and I had broken rule number two, so he gave me a beaut' of an uppercut, and I 'went for a short nap'
When I came to, he lectured me and reminded of 'the rules'
He was going on about never being in trouble with the polis himself...
Took me a couple of weeks to bring myself to talk to him tbh
A few months later, we're supposed to be going over to Rothesay on the ferry on the Fair Saturday...
The door opens at half six in the morning, and in comes my old man, he looks like he hasn't slept all night and when we asked where the fuck he was on the Friday night
"I was coming out of the club and had a few scoofs in me, just as I crossed the street, the kerb was broken and I stepped on a piece and lost my balance, and went down
Just then a Panda car came round the corner, (timing is everything) they see me trying to get up on my feet, they jump out, grab me, and huckle me into the car, spent the night in the cells, and they did a number on my ribs too"
He lifted his shirt to reveal severe bruising on his torso
Do I have a great love for the diceys ?...not really, do I hate them ?...no, I even have relatives who are in the force, but I understand that not all are to be tarred with the same brush
Oh, and my old man had a greater respect for me, and my refusal to give in to their demands after those two incidents
It's a thankless job no doubt, but the fact they have one rule for one set of 'football fans' and one for the rest, speaks volumes about who's actually in charge in our wee country
Here's a hint, they like to give it the funny handshakes, and wear circus outfits, and playing flutes, while marching through the streets of Scotland's towns and cities
I hope everyone has a wonderful week
HH
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